


"Don't Be a Wizard"

by nonbinarywithaknife (littleboxes)



Series: me sobbing about critical role [68]
Category: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (TV), Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Crossover, Song Lyrics, Song Parody, i rewrote the lyrics to don't be a lawyer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 13:20:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18411479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleboxes/pseuds/nonbinarywithaknife
Summary: [CALEB]Oh, no, no no.Bad idea, trust me. Being a wizard is the worst.Now stand back and let me tell you my tale of woe.





	"Don't Be a Wizard"

**Author's Note:**

> it all started with @luck the bard on tumblr's crazy ex girlfriend/crit role au and now we're here  
> bold text is not singing, just talking

**[NOTT, TALKING TO CALIANNA]**

**I’m majoring in Illusion magic, myself**

 

**[CALEB]**

**Oh, no, no no.**

**Bad idea, trust me. Being a wizard is the** **_worst_ ** **.**

**Now stand back and let me tell you my tale of woe.**

 

[CALEB]

Fifteen years old, pretty smart kid

Knew exactly what I wanted to do

So my whole town helped me

And just like that

Got accepted to the Academy

 

Everyone said it was a real safe bet

A prestigious and lucrative vocation

So I set off on a journey

To become a wizard

Without a moment’s hesitation

 

But here’s some free advice I’m givin’ 

When it comes to decidin’ what to do

for a livin’

 

Don’t be a wizard!

Don’t do it

Quickest way to ruin your life

Don’t be a wizard!

Not worth it!

It’ll leave you dead inside

 

The job is inherently crappy

That’s why you’ve never met a wizard

who’s happy

It’s a guaranteed soul destroyer

Don’t be a wizard

 

Constant fret

Daily regret

Is that really what you dreamed as a 

kid?

Or did you hope one day

That you’d find a way

To spend two years workin’ to kill 

The dissidents of the Dwendalian Empire

And then later your very own parents? 

 

Your only expertise

Is killin’ traitors

Usin’ your magic for murder

But it’s not too late

To avoid this fate

Find any other job to pick

 

Sure, your parents might think you’re

a failure

But no one’s ever said, “First, let’s kill 

all the clerics.”

 

Don’t be a lawyer!

I’m serious, it really, really sucks

Don’t be a lawyer!

No one you work with looks like Mary

Lavorre

 

There are so many other professions

That don’t turn you into Trent Ikithon

Just say no to the wizard employer

No, don’t be a wizard

 

[NOTT]

What about divination?

 

[CALEB]

No mercy, no, no mercy

 

[NOTT]

Evocation?

 

[CALEB]

No mercy, even less mercy

 

[NOTT]

Necromancy?

 

[CALEB]

No mercy, plus it’s a bummer

 

[NOTT]

Okay, but what if one day you make it to the Assembly?

 

[CALEB]

It’d be great to be on the Assembly

But you’ll never be on the Assembly

There’s truly no chance of that happenin’

 

**[ASTRID & EODWULF]**

**The preceding song in no way reflects the views of the Cerberus Assembly and the Dwendalian Empire**

**Ah, screw it**

**Author's Note:**

> \- when i couldn't rhyme it, i tried to stay with the original's syllable count  
> \- watch the video for this song, it's truly the best thing ever  
> \- had to shorten marion to mary, in case you were wondering about that


End file.
